What Coming Out Means to Me

  There comes a point in everyone's lives where they are faced with a relatively large decision.  For some, it could be deciding to buy a car.  For some, it could be that house you want but you have to figure out how to mortgage it.  For some, it could be deciding to take a job that pays more, but it is in a place you have never been you and you have to figure out how to make that work before a committal of any sort.  For myself personally, I was faced with a large decision in my life that would change me forever.  It was deciding whether I should come out as bisexual to not just my close friends, but publicly as well.

  Before I get into the deciding factors of when I decided to come out, let's first discuss what happened that led to that point.  For a long time, I naturally thought I was straight.  I'd had two girlfriends and while those didn't last in terms of relationships I wasn't too overwhelmed at the prospect of having another one for a foreseeable future as I was working on paying down debt (thanks student loans for a start) and working a full-time job which I have since transitioned to overnight shift.  So in essence I wasn't too worried about finding someone else since it is what it is for me.  However, at the start of the year, my feelings started changing.  I felt inside myself starting to change and it wasn't that I didn't like women anymore, but also when I had been out or in public I would think a male is attractive as well.  It really didn't hit me until February when these thoughts were constant and I really began to think a lot differently about myself.  As soon as that happened, I immediately went into this mode of what is wrong with me.. as I had never felt this way before or as strongly as I did.  It took close to three months to battle myself with this fact that I could be bisexual.  It really just hit me and at one point in May I finally accepted this as myself and someone who I am rather than being more and more frustrated, upset and confused about myself. 

Me with my bisexual flag draped on me

  The main factors that led me to come out was if I had kept it inside, I would have drove myself to incredible levels of anxiety, frustration, depression probably as well.  When I kept burying my feelings, the more short tempered I got I felt.  The more I buried the thoughts, the more anxious I got as well, especially at work if something didn't go right or in a social setting just randomly.  Also, there came a point of no return for me I felt.  That partly goes into my thinking of if you are committed to something, be committed.  If not, then don't be.  I was committed to talking about this with people.  Maybe not in a public setting at first, but eventually it would draw up to that moment.  So that was the other thing I thought about when I decided it was time to come out.

  Some will point out the date of which I came out publicly is the date I came out to everyone, however that isn't quite true.  The initial date I did was May 16th, to a friend I have on Twitter.  For purposeful sake, I'm not disclosing the name but she knows she was the first person that I told.  She was super supportive of me, and when I finally got the first acknowledgement done, it felt like a gigantic weight had been cast aside and I was getting free from hiding in a hole about this (or as general terms say, the closet.)  After that I told other close friends and eventually coworkers.  Everyone that I talked to was incredibly supportive of me talking to them about this and thought it was really great that I was finally coming out.  It wasn't until mid-June when I publicly decided to come out mainly because while I knew friends and coworkers were ultra supportive, I didn't know how the rest of my general friends/family would handle it.  I figured my immediate family (mother, father and younger brother) would go along and be supportive.  Part of me also thinks that if anyone in my family wasn't, my mother would probably spite them for life so I had that going for me.  When I came out and see all of my social media blowing up like crazy, it honestly made me feel uplifted that a lot of people were there for me and had a lot of good things to say.  It's why I have them as friends/family. 

  In all, I would say now I can see why people who haven't opened up worry about what people will think.  Thankfully I have a wonderful group of friends who are always supportive of me and coworkers who are the same way.  I'll always be indebted to their kindness and generosity.  Also, with my family supporting me it means I have a very strong group of people in all networks who are there for me.  I only can wish that any person coming out with their sexual preferences can have the strength in numbers that I am fortunate to have.  Something that I have heard that I really didn't think would be possible is that I could be an inspiration for people.  Now at first I kinda was like, "Yeah, right and if that happens then the World is crazy."  Well when I had a friend open up to me as the first major friend of hers about her sexuality it really humbled my mindset.  My first initial thought is "Yes, girl, yes please do open up about this."  It meant that somehow, I can be an influence and an inspiration for people.  While I have always supported people opening up about themselves to me, this moment brought a lot more to me than I realized.  Now anyone can open up about their sexual preferences to me and I will always be there to lend a supporting voice and help them if needed.